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I don't know if this divide has happened to you, or if you have felt it happen around you but I saw this article a while ago on Cena's blog and it really resonated with me, as did her corresponding post about it. Not in a harsh way but in a "Yeah, that's it! That's why I'm not racing for the phone the minute I have a minute! I'm not actually being a completely selfish and self-involved person, just a woman who is a Mum 24/7 and sometimes needs to take a breath"
Being a Mum is an awesome job but it really is a job - just a really good one you (mostly) choose to do! (and can I just say that getting up at 6am every day [6.30am on weekends!] has been the best decision and I can't believe I am actually saying that!! I really am a better Mum for having this 'me-time')
Like Cena I'm not sharing this article to find validation or comfort or because I think being a Mum is the hardest job in the world. I love being a Mum and I am so grateful that I get to be at home as much as I am - wouldn't change it for a second. I'm sharing it because, well, because I liked it and because it's my blog so I'm allowed too :)
You can also read it online here
Have you been on either side of this "fence"?? Do you think this is harsh, unfair or right on the money?? This is one of those posts where I'm keen for some feedback and happy to ask you for it :)
24 comments:
Whilst I totally agree with the content of that article - believe me, I've known enough mums in my time to have a pretty good idea of the realities - I didn't really like the tone in which it was written. It struck me as pretty snide and condescending. Articles written in this manner often serve to reinforce a "you cannot possibly understand my life" attitude that leaves people without children feeling completely alienated, and feeling that they have no right ever to share any of their struggles with their friends who have kids because the stresses of motherhood instantly trump everything else.
Everyone has valid struggles and stresses in their life, and there's no doubt that some are WAY more full-on, but none should invalidate the others. It would be nice if we could all take the time to share what's going on in our lives and what struggles we have without feeling the need either to justify our own position or to compete. Caring for each other means listening to and caring about the things that we don't necessarily understand, but offering support and love anyway. I say this to both 'sides' of this situation.
I hasten to add, I am NOT suggesting you are doing either of those things. My gripe is with the tone of the article, not the content and certainly not the content of your blog.
I think it's right on the money.
:)
I was just having a total 'moment' because I was sure I replied to this yesterday...seems I just emailed it to myself, DOH!
Femina, I must agree that the tone isn't helpful - I think it's
meant to be witty but it does come across as snide. For those, such as
yourself, who are pastorally inclined, self aware and considerate of
others, the content of the email doesn't apply!! Unfortunately there
are those out there who think that becoming a mum is all lattes &
lunches with baby as an accessory. :( You are right on the money, we
all have valid stresses in our life and it's wonderful thing when we
can each be self aware enough to know that when big life changes, like
having children, occur. Bless You, Lou
Mistress B, isn't it sad that in some cases, it really is true?!
Coming over from SITS to say hello!
Being a SAHM to four children for the past eleven years, I definitely can relate to having very little "me" time. I agree that everyone has struggles, both stay-at-home moms and working moms. Personally, most of my friends are working moms. I have sometimes felt that because I'm the only stay-at-home mom in the bunch, I'm a little taken advantage of. They seem to think that because I'm not working, I'm automatically available to help them with childcare and/or transporting kids to ballgames, etc. I certainly don't mind to help my friends when I'm able, but, it's a little frustrating that they assume I have nothing to do everyday. Great article, thanks for sharing!
I'm over from SITS!
I had my first child at 21, so I've never really been on the other side of the fence.
And I have 5, so most people just shudder slightly and wonder how in the world I do it.
Ohhh... I have to say something about this. I saw a few college friends this weekend, none of them have kids or are even married. They are grown women, about 33 years old. I was there with my husband and 2 year old. Yes, 2 year old. Wanna know where they wanted to have dinner? An expensive Irish Pub! They wanted to lounge around, drink Guiness and gab. Eventually, my husband had to take our daughter outside because, well, SHE'S TWO YEARS OLD! She was ready to move on, the mac and cheese was really for adults (not the Kraft stuff), and she was bored.
I tried to rush everyone along and see if we could go to the cupcake place down the street that was a little more kid friendly, but by the time we got there, it had just closed 10 minutes before.
Simply put, people without kids are allowed the indulgence of being completely selfish and self-centered. People with kids, simply can't do that. We are busy because we are taking care of other people besides ourselves. And if we take that seriously.
Have a great SITS day! This is the longest comment I've ever left for someone.
Wow, this is a great catalog of what we do all day, which is so hard to explain (or often remember!)
Thanks for posting (I came here from SITS)
Thanks for sharing! I think it is right on the money...
I read this when it first came out. Totally true! But, like Femina, I thought the tone was a little snarky. I don't think my friends resent my business any more than I resent theirs, because God knows they're too busy to follow up with me, either.
It's just life... maybe it's a Grown Up Thing, versus a Mommy Thing??
RIGHT.
ON.
THE.
MONEY!!!!!
For sure!
I am not a stay at home Mom, but, the last few months I almost have been by default. I was in a car accident in December, and I have been at home teaching online since then because I cannot stand in heels and teach all day at the college. What do stay at home Moms do...I imagine quite a darn bit! There is so much to keeep up with each day it is crazy, and I am more aware of it now that I have been at home a few months. Best thing I can say for "working" or "home" moms is that you are not alone, so hang in there! Just look around and get support, it really helps you from going nutty! Definitely going to subscribe to your blog, I think it's wonderful!
Fellow SITSta,
T.
Wow. That is just BRILLIANT!!! Yes! Yes! Yes! My friends often ask me what I did all day- and after I answer I always get the feeling they think it wasnt very much! But how do you explain that you have a baby that cries everytime you put them down? How fast can they do errands and chores one handed??
Awsome article, and blog! Thanks lady!
First...just wanted to say HI, I'm visiting from SITS :)
Second...I think the article is right, that people who don't have kids don't understand what it's like. You CAN'T understand until you are there...just like anything else. That being said, just because you are a busy mom doesn't give you an excuse to ignore your friends. I'm a work at home mom with 2 kids (6 yrs and 11 months)and I make it a point to reply to emails, phone calls and texts to stay in touch with my friends...the ones with and without kids. Do we see each other as often? No...but the effort needs to be there.
I do not like the tone of the reply either. It comes off judgmental and rude which, to me, is worse then just not understanding the other side. The thing about us moms is that we've been on the other side...at one point we didn't have kids to juggle...our childless moms don't have the luxury of seeing both sides first hand.
I'm rambling...sorry :)
As both a first time mom and a full time SAHM, this article definitely resonates. While I did think the author came across as a bit condescending, I think that was in response to the tone of the query which implied that moms can't possibly be that busy that they don't have time for friends. I've learned over the past year that it is a fine balance between finding time for yourself and also making time for the important people in your life who most likely stood by excited and supportive as you welcomed your children into the world.
My closest girlfriends do not yet have children of their own. They are incredibly understanding of my "work schedule" and in turn I do my best not to fall off the grid and keep our friendships a priority. Of course there are times when a phonecall has to come after bathtime or needs to be cut short because of an all-out meltdown but things come up in their lives too so I figure it's all relative.
The way I see it, the biggest difference between moms (working or SAHM) and those without children is the demand factor. When I was working fulltime, I usually left the office at 5pm and then I spent the evening either doing errands/chores or doing what I wanted. It was my choice. A child does not offer that choice unless the other parent is in charge for the night. My job is 24/7. Overtime isn't ever an option, it's a necessity. My "breaks" during naptime are determined by the length of the nap, not by my own watch. And while I chose this job and love it more than any I've ever had, there are times when it is draining. Not necessarily more draining than a normal full-time job but draining in a different way. I feel lucky that my friends are sensitive to that.
OMG! I LOVED that article! I saw it on another site and actually wrote to her to tell her HOW MUCH I loved it! I have a few "friends" who are likely to have written such a thing! lol I think all my true friends wouldn't... but there's all those long aquainted persons who just don't quite know you the way they think! ;)
Stopping over from SITS and seeing as you've got 50 bajillion comments on your vlog post, I scrolled down to this one and decided to comment here :)
This issue is one that bugs me a little bit. I am single with no kids. More and more of my friends and acquaintances are getting married/starting families, and every time, I find myself thinking...well, there goes another one. But at the same time, I get it. Things change and people tend to gravitate more toward people who are able to share/empathize with their own experiences. I will probably become guilty of the same thing someday when I get married and start a family.
But that doesn't make it any less sad for those of us who are left behind (so to speak).
Came over from SITS
Like some have said I think she came off a little rude. Although I think the way she describes it is right on I believe that those who don't have kids still won't get it. It is kind of like describing the color red to someone who has been blind all their life.
That's hilarious! I didn't get married until I was 30, so I've definately seen both sides of that fence.
I totally agree - "we went to the park" now involves so much more than such a simple statement implies. A non-kid adult can go for a walk through the park. Easy. Relaxing. Stress-free. Rejuvenating. For a mother of 4? Rip-my-hair-out-exhausting only touches the surface.
Would I trade it to go back to the other side? Not in a million.
But I am proud to say, we've kept in touch with all our friends - single, married, with kids, without, divorced, etc. Because in the end, there will be a point when you aren't your child's whole world anymore, and they can't be yours. (From experience, that happens around grade 8!! LOL!).
This is SO funny : ).
You go Caroline! She told it like it is...Aren't mom's amazing? And I am sending a virtual "WTF?" off to somewhere in Tacoma, WA.
Seriously? What do we do all day?
Oh, and congrats on being a saucy SITSta!
hmmm sounds like she needs a kid. baby/toddler years are tough, i remember my zero social life and sleepless nights. 9 and 12 are much easier years on the body but are difficult in other ways. i will admit that getting my social life back has been nice.
What an assortment of comments, you all make some really good points! Thanks for contributing to this discussion!
Kari, it's interesting you say that - I have heard that from other friends. How do you manage it?
Tiffany, WOW!
Sadiebug, that sounds like a very full on and confronting situation! Good on you for going though!
Elizabeth & Sweet Mama Jones, thanks!
T, good point & I hope you are healed soon!
Jessica & Shannon, so true!
To another "Red Headed Mama!" good point, I really agree!
SJ, Oh the 'demand factor' - what a good way of describing it!
Sublime, Kelly, thesixkents and kristen absolutely!
Katie, thanks for commenting. I really value your perspective and I do get it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
MaryRC, LOL!
Ha, this is funny. I remember being like the person who asked the question before I had my kids. I seriously wondered what people with kids did all day? Like seriously, how hard is it to look after a baby that doesn't move?
i learnt the answer to my question the hard way. I had kids. And i completely understand where they are coming from, the kid-less people who wonder what we do. It's because we are in such a segregated society. Married couples with children don't mingle much with married couples without children. How are they supposed to know what we do all day? Who is to know that a baby needs to be changed at least 12 times a day, fed constantly, etc...
C-from-Sydney
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